An evening with comedian White Chocolate

0:30 All I'm saying is they should have gave that Pike lady who survived the execution twice, they should have gave that bitch Fentanyl. Fentanyl would have killed that bitch. How did Fina Barber and whatever other thing not kill her, but it killed the Heaven's Gate people? It doesn't make sense. I just heard that Pike's head needs to be on a pike. I saw that last on social media, but I just barely, barely tapped into it at the end. I didn't, I don't really watch the news because it's too depressing. Yeah. So I try to stay clear of that and I try to reinforce the positivity in my life because what's going on in D.C. right now is not the bag of tricks I want to pay attention to.

1:10 And honestly, I'm fully going to be a hypocrite. I mean, I think since she survived an execution twice, she should be like, oh, she should be set free. Who the fuck survives an execution? Let her go. Isn't that like the law? I mean, I don't know. I thought if you survived. It should be. They shouldn't have three swats at it right exactly yeah wow there was a person who i think one of the only people, it was a woman or something that was supposed to be hanged and she survived it somehow wow and so they let it go it was like one of the only executions that are like recorded from like forever ago that they were like well, she survived she had a broken neck but she's fine you heard about the three guys that were going to be.

1:52 They were going to be hung to death and they were hanging him from a tree that the tree grew over a river and um they put the first guy up there and um, He managed to slip out of the noose and he fell into the river and just swam away. And they were like, oh my God. And then the second guy got up there too and he saw that. So he just started wiggling around and stuff. And he slipped out of the noose and fell into the river and swam away. And the third guy got up there and was like, could you make sure the noose is tight? I don't know how to swim. Very good. I like that. So dumb. Wow. Well, so anyway, you go buy white chocolate as a comedian and you, you are somebody I know, have known for a long time.

2:46 Actually, it's more of a joke that's only for black people. Yes. Because it's very funny, like immediately because it's just silly. And it's, and it's, it is outrageous and it's, it implies that you, that you're trying to do something which you're not because I know you and I know you love irony and the absurd. And so, and you, I know that it's difficult for people who don't have an open mind for them to understand your sense of humor because you're the guy that goes when everybody else is like, don't go there. You're like, don't say that because I have to go there now. Yeah. And which is cool. I was wondering though, it's fun to fill in the imagination of people if you can. So put the picture in their head with, you know. So, having known you for so long, I know virtually nothing about your childhood. Okay.

3:34 What happened? How did it go? Where were you born? Chicago. What were your parental units like? Both of my parents are from Ireland, so I'm first-generation Irish. You're first-generation Irish? I'm first-generation American. Wait, did they drink? No. Um, my dad did a little bit, but not really. Oh, really? So they were bad Irish? Right, exactly. My mom, yeah, right, exactly. Ireland says that we want your passport back, please. Right, exactly. You should have been fed up. I can't do an Irish accent, otherwise I would have done it. I'll teach you how to do it. Really? For any of the listeners. How do you do an Irish accent? Say the word tree, like a tree. A tree. Except say it like it were a number. So like, terty tree. Terty.

4:17 And you just kind of like mix those, and then it like comes out funny. It's all a stereotype. It's very funny. You do it much better than I do. Irish. Do you ever just pull out an Irish accent? If I'm making fun of Irish people, yeah. Something like that. Okay. That's cool. And then, so, growing up, what stood out when you were growing up? I mean, did you have siblings? Did you have? I have one brother and two sisters. One brother and two sisters. They're all older than me. how i did everybody come out okay because in my family that everybody did not come out okay, i mean like dad was an alcoholic i think i may have changed something that i might have been predisposed to because of an early trauma and what i mean by that is, i should probably have turned out like my brother but i'm not like my brother, how is your brother he tends to be like a knucklehead and kind of like he resorts to violence like very easily, whereas like me and like he'll fight people he doesn't care like he's just like that kind of oh he's very irish yeah exactly right no no to be that irish right now uh, but uh i don't know i i.

5:32 So in kindergarten, a friend named Danny, I was playing in kindergarten. Mrs. Fraley was the teacher. Mrs. Perley? Mrs. Fraley. Okay. And then Danny Ozek, who became a good friend, and we ended up being the funniest people in school anyway. He kept calling me a nerd or a dork. I don't remember what it was. But something. Something like that. And he was kind of trying to bully me a little bit. And he was like, kept calling me then. I was like, if you call me that one more time, I'm going to punch you in the face. And I said this to him about five times. Like, if you call me a jerk one more time, I'm going to punch you in the face. I gave him about five warnings and then I did it. I punched him in the face.

6:14 And the way I hit him, like he fell and fell back into the piano, bashed his face on the piano and lost his two front teeth. I get suspended in kindergarten. This is not a joke or exaggeration. I get suspended in kindergarten. I got home and my parents beat the shit out of me. Wow. I think because of that, It stopped me from wanting to engage in physical violence or fights. And it stopped me from enjoying that. You're like the most gentle person I've ever met. Right. It takes a lot for me to go there. It takes a lot for me. I mean, it's different if it's protection. I don't care. But like, or it's like somebody's in danger. That doesn't, that's not exactly the same. That's not exactly the same. But like, yeah, I think I'm more... My words are my weapon now, if anything. So is there anything I can say to get you, like, in the fight now? No, not you.

7:01 I know. I'm such a wuss. No, no, I'm not saying that. Like, it's not like. It's not in my nature. Yeah, and there's nothing like. I suffer from too much empathy. It can be toxic. Oh, yeah. Oddly enough. Yeah. I mean, like the other day, I was telling you, we're shooting that new opening. Yeah. And I had a very dear friend of mine not want to appear in the opening because we wanted to use people in our community. And he was like, no, I don't think so. And it hurt my feelings so bad. And like you said, it's probably because he's camera shy, which it is. He doesn't like doing it. But I took it as, you don't like my podcast. Right. And you don't think it's worthy of appearing on.

7:43 You know what? I will tell you this. I actually do. So when it comes to it's kind of adjacent this example but if you're you see somebody out at a bar or a club or some kind of social thing and you find them attractive and they don't find you the same that's okay they're allowed to think and feel that way, but I actually respect men who reject me more because I know exactly where they stand there's no question in my mind there's no what if I don't have to like yeah think about or pursue like is there something there it's not it takes major cojones and I'm like oh I think I respect But most guys react like, what? It takes making a cojones. They're rejecting you because they expect an ego thing. And I'm not. It's opposite. I actually. And it's not an ego thing to be honest.

8:26 Right. Which is what they're doing. They're being honest. Right. And they should have the ability. If I have the ability. If someone's not my preference or whatever. Right. I have the option to be like no i'm not interested they should have the same option to tell me yep that they're not exactly, and you do that as well you do speak your mind i have i'm the exact opposite i will sit there and go oh my god well you're very attractive and you're a wonderful person and and then i'll look for some reason i try to be honest like um it's just right now i'm just not seeking or i'll try to come up with some reason to to say no instead of just saying no Like, no, I don't want to, you know? Yeah.

9:08 And when I was younger, that got me into trouble a lot sexually because I would have sex with people that I didn't want to. And you know what I mean? Because I found it very difficult to say no. And I know that's hard to believe, but when I was younger, I was very attractive. I was. The interviews are amazing. The boat interview, I love it, you know? Oh, the what? Was it on a boat? A cruise? Oh, the cruise ship! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That was awesome. Yeah. Oh, right on, right on, yeah. I used to work hosting cruise ships, shows and documentaries on... And they were full-out sex cruises.

9:50 800 people, clothing optional, full penetration shows. It was a staff on the ship that had been trained to accept what they were about to see on the cruise. And it was the only ship in the world that was deregulated. It was allowing anything goes. And it was an actual cruise line. They don't exist anymore. They retired them. But we got them before they retired. It was an old school one, old school English cruise ship. So you can imagine. I mean they served tea they had like a tea service in the library on the ship if I was my age now and you were that age then I would have kidnapped you and took you down to, Juarez and made you a pool boy that could never escape I would have chained pool boy I would have jumped on that opportunity, literally jumped on that opportunity oh my god yeah oh yeah that was you would have loved it it was great it was great fun it was crazy fun but, I didn't get to have sex on the ship because I was working, like, 24-7.

10:59 Yeah. Which was a bummer, because it was a lot of attractive men. And you know what? Here's the thing, too, in regards to kind of going along the lines of continuing with, like, rejection or people having the option to, you know, choose someone else, I guess. Yeah. Sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality so not having that is good too oh yeah that's true yep because like i've talked to there was one person in particular who i was courting uh, i'm not going to mention um but uh he's british does not live in chicago um and he, was a snotty cunt when i started talking to him but like up until the point i was like oh this guy's so nice and then I like got my way to him and once we started talking I was like he ruined it it ruined it, she was just like a snotty bastard I have a story sort of similar to that I was just like fuck.

11:59 Okay so there was this guy and he was a bartender at a bar in Arizona and he was blonde hair, extraordinarily striking in his face like super and he was a big old, big muscles and he would wear overalls farmers overalls with no shirt that's so funny and he had giant muscles giant like he was this big old massive man right and he's yeah so the it was my first time going into this bar, and i just sat there forever to build up the nerve to go ask for a drink because he was so gorgeous and the music was really loud so you know i was sitting there standing in the corner and i was just like, that man cannot be possibly be that freaking amazing looking and be gay because he was so buff so giant and so finally i built up and i went up to him and i was like hey, um could i have a back in the cubra libre because that's what we drank back in the 80s and he said sure girl i'll get you one right away, And I'm, my whole fantasy just went.

13:06 I was like, wow, wow. I'm just not into, I mean, I'm not judging, but the femme thing, it doesn't work for me. Yeah. And that's okay. Yeah. It's okay. Like we were saying, but, um, but I have slept with femmes before only because I felt like how rude to say no, just because you're a femme. But it's, I should say that I also at that time discovered that it's true. I don't like it i'm not i'm not attracted to femininity it's it's you know yeah, i know a lot of people like that you know i think things like that, i know more about what i'm not willing to do than what i'm you know yeah because things can change or whatever but like that's kind of i'm.

13:57 We have all these things that like this would be ideal but like then there's things that like break off and they're like oh okay you know there's all the exceptions like for me it's like everything gets thrown out the window if somebody's like really funny or like they just feel comfortable to be around yeah because like you know all those qualifiers that like i had before like i've just they just get thrown out the window because it's more interesting than anything aesthetic you know yeah it's true it's true i have um like uh there's, um i'm gonna just i'm going to just throw it out there the um, the building maintenance guy at this place that i work at you know that i manage um he's uh, not at all what i would ordinarily i like um he i like irish i like uh irish and i like irish, i'm not even kidding you that's i mean i i don't know why i'm way into it and um so he's this a little skinny latino guy um old like me you know and really sweet really great worker and stuff like that and, uh he came in one day i don't know what was happening for some reason uh.

15:02 There was an energy between us that we were talking really close face to face and uh and it was kind of flirtatious and all of a sudden the next thing i know is we were kissing Thank you. Which never in a million years did I think would happen. And then what really struck me was he was a really good kisser and I don't like kissing. And I liked kissing him. Okay. Does that make sense? Yeah. And I haven't experienced that. Wait, he was a good kisser? He was. And I hadn't experienced that for decades. I have not been like let anyone in the back door for like 15 years. I have not kissed people, like, you know, tongue and made out and stuff like that for like 20 years. I'm just, it's very difficult for me to get that intimate with someone.

15:51 And he was really good. And it kind of shook my world because now I'm like... I guess it doesn't matter what they look like. All of that goes, like you said, out the window. Because the level of intimacy at that moment was so intense that it made me realize that you don't know who's going to turn you on. You don't know what it looks like. Yeah. You don't know what. There's things that we just communicate that aren't voice. Somebody can look or like somebody, the way somebody walks or. Yep. Or they have the ability to flick the switches on and wake you up in that way. And you're like, what? Is this person actually making me feel like this?

16:33 Wow. I didn't expect it. And he's smaller than I am. And I like guys that are taller than I am. You know what I mean? That kind of thing. So he totally goes against everything. But it's exactly what you were talking about. Like, you don't know. You have no clue until you're sitting there. But anyways. So and like um i'm uh in terms of like my my playbook you're like exactly and i'm and i'm not saying this because i i want to suck your dick i'm saying this because but you're in my playbook you're like the tall guy with the big butt you know, and everything else tiny butt yeah oh yeah, from your bike riding actually it's just your bike riding it goes from spine to anus I have literally no ass. Yes, you do.

17:18 You have a big booty. It just goes flat. You mean? Spine to English. Contradictive. You love being contradictive. It's not true. He has a great ass. But anyways, what else should we talk about? I think once you're talking about the great ass, you're kind of changed the subject a lot. Hmm well one i'll comment on asses yeah um i noticed that there's always exceptions especially like genetically that goes all over the place but i often notice that a guy, a guy with like a belly usually is a good butt, because they kind of like you know like cosine and cosine or like two symbols that go like that it's kind of like if you have a belly but it just kind of like balances out in this way yes you know, yeah guys that i've dated have been like that i'm like i kind of like this you know yes because it'll just kind of go like this in the front and go like that in the back you know i do i do 30 minutes every morning of like an aerobics thing yeah but you know old person version, uh because i um i'm a firm believer that your butt should be firm, so i kind of like don't want it to get all saggy slaggy but um yeah and it's it's um misleading because i i look like i'm fat but if but i'm like actually very toned Solid, yeah.

18:38 So, but it's because I do work out, it just, The fat loves me, and that's probably why mosquitoes dine on me frequently is because I'm a big old buffet for them. But anyways. Why would you need a six-pack when you have a gas tank built for a six-pack? Hell yeah. The keg is right here. It's a keg, exactly. Yes. Keg, gas tank. Yes. So anyways, it was good talking to you. Yeah, always. I love when you come over. We have to do this. We will do this again because you come over to visit every once in a while. Yeah. And you're a good yapper. Very good. I try. Right on. I can be a bit verbose. I was called that once. You can articulate. Exactly. You're an articulate motherfucker.

19:23 Right on. So I guess we just say goodnight now to everybody. Or goodbye. I don't even know what time of day they watch. Spay and neuter your humans. Spay and neuter your humans. Your breeders. Right, exactly. Slow down, breeders. There's enough. There's enough of us. That's what I always think. There's enough of us. We don't need any more. Slow down. give it a break for a year or two. Not everybody has to have kids. Oh. Yeah. All right. That's going to be controversial, right? Maybe a little bit. You love controversy. I'll be controversial. Yeah. Okay. I think there should be a twink holocaust. I'm tired of twinks. We need to get rid of them. A twink holocaust? Twink holocaust. They need to be rid of. I'm tired of them. I don't like guys that are younger, so I need to get rid of them.

20:05 However, they will be made of use when they're taken away by me. I'll keep their shoes. So we'll reuse the shoes, but we'll get rid of them. Like the Swiss bank? You're going to put all their shoes in the Swiss bank? What? Oh, is it? You don't remember? Okay, during the Holocaust. They put everybody's teeth and their glasses and their shoes and anything they had of value. And the Swiss banks. I had a bad joke about Hitler having a foot fetish. And that's why he collected all those shoes. Oh, my God. Because it's too easy of a joke. That is so wrong. On so many levels. I mean, you know, it's. Wow. And I'm not serious about it. to call it. He's not serious. But it would be funny. You guys, he's seriously. You know what? If I was serious, you know what would happen?

20:47 There would be twink deniers. So that would be a problem. Oh, yeah. Twink deniers would have to come along. Oh, because of, yeah, because of the Holocaust deniers. Yeah. Wow. Twink, huh? The twinks. You're going after the twinks. You're over it? Although it's totally subjective, because I could be like, oh, not that one. You know what I mean? There's a couple good ones. There's a couple good ones. Right. And what about the guards that are guarding them at the camp? They're going to be like, okay, what about, you know, the twink? They can't be gay. They'd have to be straight. Well, twinks are better at, you know, converting a straight guy than us hairy, macho, gay people. No, we're not hairy, macho.

21:28 They're skinny and they don't eat anyway, so that's already done. So we just need to, like, not female a bit and then kind of. What is it? Okay, wait, let's get to the root of this problem. What twink stepped all over your heart? No, I'm just not into younger guys. They kind of like, I'm just like, yeah, get away from me. Oh, really? I'm not either. I'm not either. I'm not either. I like older guys. They can be like wild and fun, but I like kind of guys that have like a story to tell and they're calm and they're confident in themselves, which tends to be older men. Yeah, I don't like people who drag their words like, oh God, I'm not going. What are you, crazy? everything answer a question. Yeah oh yeah or like and then like I was like oh but the dragging of the words once you start writing a statement will be a question it's like I'm going to the park, is it a statement or a question do you like roller coasters are you a fan I love roller coasters I haven't gone in a long time kind of like this conversation where are they going it's a roller coasters It was a ride.

22:34 Ah, so many tricks. So you have so many tracks, tricks. No, like tricks, like on a recording and then tricks. I thought you said tricks. I was like, so many tricks. So many tricks, too. Tricks are for kids. No, they're not. Just kidding. Wow, that was inappropriate. We better stop before we get too inappropriate, you guys. We'll see you later. Take it easy. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.